To those willing to help..

I am almost 90% positive that only 2 or 3 people actually read my blogs, and I am totally fine with that. However, to the few of you who are listening/reading, I would like to ask for your help. I have been struggling with a big decision...again. Those of you who have read past blogs may know exactly what I am talking about. It's not as simple as choosing between one or the other, but now a matter of will I disappoint, will I succeed, is it worth it? Trust me, it's more frustrating than it may seem. I know it is not your place to make a decision for me because of my inability to do it myself. However, I would love if you could just pray. Pray for guidance. Pray for wisdom. Pray for a decision to be made. And lastly, pray for confirmation of that decision. If you don't have the time, I completely understand. But if you do, Thank You.

Let Go

      I believe in everyone's lifetime there comes many people who capture a piece of their being. Whether you want it to happen or not, something inside of you clings to this person and refuses to let go.  Sometimes, if you're lucky, the attachment is connected with positive memories. For the rest of us, this bondage is tied to memories we long to forget. FORGET..wouldn't it be nice if that word were more simple. As humans, it's almost impossible to free your mind from unwanted memories. Especially those that you are constantly reminded of every single day. 

     I've had the "wonderful" opportunity of experiencing one of these people in my life recently.  It's frustrating because it was so easy for me to develop an attachment and yet so easy for them to break it. There's nothing within me that wants to even attempt to connect it again, but they took a part of me with them. Believe me, I try to disregard all of these unimportant frustrations because I honestly don't care anymore. However, that piece that's missing belongs with me. I want it back. Is that selfish of me? 

     It's frustrating to even think about this situation. Though, I know what I need to do. Let Go. Should be easy, right? false. But God demands it. He wants us to free ourselves from the issues we hold onto and give them up to Him. Why is that so difficult? If anyone could answer that for me, I would be very happy. 

    As much as I would love to write more, my venting is finished and my brain has stopped working. I apologize if my thoughts do not make any sense, but it is 3:30 am.  I will write more on the topic another time.

Update!

I just wanted to say that God has done really incredible things tonight! one of the biggest arguments that was going on within my family has been cleared up and most of us are getting along again! im soo happy. there is still more to resolve, but God did a lot in just one night!

Hey God

God, i need you. i need you to fix the cracks in this family before it falls apart. i need you to restore what anger, jealousy, bitterness, and envy have taken away. just let me have back what once was. thats all i ask. i can't fix this, not on my own. we need your intervention, your healing power. im nothing without my family..they are my everything. i don't understand how relationships that were so strong can be torn to pieces by the most insignificant forces. i guess it comes down to what is most important to everyone else. i pick my family. i pray they pick the same.

Psalm 73

"Yet I am always with you:

you hold me by my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel,

and afterward you will take me into glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you?

And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

-Psalm 73:23-26

I find it amazing how I can so often forget about how incredible my God is. He is EVERYTHING; my everything. Lately, I have been finding myself so lost and stressed that my body becomes ill. I worry so much that it literally weakens me. My medicine: the solutions of the world. No wonder it isnt working. I open my Bible to this scripture and feel like such an idiot. Seriously, how often does God have to remind me that He is right beside me..ALL THE TIME. He has never left me, nor will He ever. He is holding my hand through it all. As this scripture says, my flesh may fail (which it certainly has) and my heart is failing me as a guide. My only option left is Him, the one who was there all along just waiting for me to come back. I'm amazed at his forgiveness..how He welcomes me back with open arms. He is my father, my guide, my everything. How could I have forgotten?

Comfort: Our Biggest Mistake

Today was a sad reality check for me. I realized how many people around me have come to SETTLE. They have become extremely comfortable in remaining stationary..where nothing changes..nothing moves forward..that place where their sins have become their present and future rather than their past. I don't understand how the people I thought were strongest are so "ok" with continuing on the road they know is wrong. In my eyes, it's like walking towards disaster, or worse yet, no where. They are accomplishing things and have goals set, but their actions in the moment are causing the brilliant lights of their future to fade. How do so many not realize the consequences of the little actions we make each day? Life isn't a game. We can't start over or press rewind. Everything just keeps moving whether we like it or not. I feel like I'm the only one who is uncomfortable with the pace at which life is going. I am stressing over every decision I am making while others seem to go about without a care. How can it be so easy for them? What step in the process am I doing wrong?

I just don't understand life at the moment. I don't know its direction or the promises it holds. I know that it is very hard for me to live in the present right now because my future seems so blurred. I guess thats how it's supposed to be though.. no one ever knows what will happen. But, why am I the only one who seems afraid of that? I know how important it is to stand by what I believe is right...but I feel like so many people have forgotten. I hate seeing my friends become so comfortable with the things they are doing. I wish I could just slap them in the face and be like "you know this is wrong..why are you still doing it?" I am trying really hard to stay focused on the person I want to become and the morals I stand by..and yet everyone else seems to be enjoying life and all it has to offer.

I'm not even sure if any of this is making sense...it's really just all the crap in my head finally coming out. I really just needed to vent.

Dying Easter Eggs.

It's funny how much one little statement can change your entire mood. My CL just told me that we are going to dye Easter eggs next Wednesday and my stomach immediately dropped. Every memory of rushing home from some family party, scrambling to boil some eggs, spilling dye, creating the craziest Easter eggs I've ever seen, and then eating them before they even dried, came flooding back to me. I miss that. That is one of my favorite parts of Easter. When my family would dye eggs, it was never made to be a huge deal, yet we always made sure that we did it. Even if it was after midnight and we had church in the morning, my mom and dad always made sure that the job was done. At times it felt like a chore, other times it was an amazing bonding time with my family. I need that. This is my first year away from home, but I have already missed so much. Nothing is the same. Just to sit at home and spend time with them means so much to me. It is by far one of the things I love most. And, to be honest, I took it for granted almost 98% of the time. I never had any idea how good I have it at home. God has blessed me with a HUGE, loving family that I wouldn't trade for the world. Every moment spent with them is fun and exciting and chaotic and chill and....so far away. However, I have come to realize that I will always (even if they complain the entire time) make my kids partake in little family traditions like dying Easter eggs. They may not want to do it at the moment, but one day they will realize how special that moment really is. That's exactly what I am doing right now. My mom and dad deserve more than I could ever give them. They have been the most amazing parents anyone could ask for. I never understood why they made us do some lame traditions, but now I totally get it. I don't know if they realize how special they really are to me but I am going to make sure they do. I wish I could take back every time that I complained when my mom wanted to take a million pictures at Disney World or when I didn't say thank you when my dad made me breakfast or all those days I slacked off on my chores. There are so many things I wish I did differently, but I guess all I can do now is say THANK YOU! Through the good times and the bad, we remained a family. I know my life may be crazy at times, but I love it and I owe it to my parents for making it that way. I love them more than words can express. God did a good job putting those two together =)

Anyway..

Today was a weird day. I have been exhausted, my classes were boring, and the sun wasn't out when I finally had time to tan. However, I played my first flag football game today and we did awesome! I was not fantastic, but I tried my best. I def wiped out twice and have pretty sweet bruises to prove it...hah. Props to my roomie for making me join cause I LOVE IT! hah You're the best BRENNA!!