Let Go

      I believe in everyone's lifetime there comes many people who capture a piece of their being. Whether you want it to happen or not, something inside of you clings to this person and refuses to let go.  Sometimes, if you're lucky, the attachment is connected with positive memories. For the rest of us, this bondage is tied to memories we long to forget. FORGET..wouldn't it be nice if that word were more simple. As humans, it's almost impossible to free your mind from unwanted memories. Especially those that you are constantly reminded of every single day. 

     I've had the "wonderful" opportunity of experiencing one of these people in my life recently.  It's frustrating because it was so easy for me to develop an attachment and yet so easy for them to break it. There's nothing within me that wants to even attempt to connect it again, but they took a part of me with them. Believe me, I try to disregard all of these unimportant frustrations because I honestly don't care anymore. However, that piece that's missing belongs with me. I want it back. Is that selfish of me? 

     It's frustrating to even think about this situation. Though, I know what I need to do. Let Go. Should be easy, right? false. But God demands it. He wants us to free ourselves from the issues we hold onto and give them up to Him. Why is that so difficult? If anyone could answer that for me, I would be very happy. 

    As much as I would love to write more, my venting is finished and my brain has stopped working. I apologize if my thoughts do not make any sense, but it is 3:30 am.  I will write more on the topic another time.

Update!

I just wanted to say that God has done really incredible things tonight! one of the biggest arguments that was going on within my family has been cleared up and most of us are getting along again! im soo happy. there is still more to resolve, but God did a lot in just one night!

Hey God

God, i need you. i need you to fix the cracks in this family before it falls apart. i need you to restore what anger, jealousy, bitterness, and envy have taken away. just let me have back what once was. thats all i ask. i can't fix this, not on my own. we need your intervention, your healing power. im nothing without my family..they are my everything. i don't understand how relationships that were so strong can be torn to pieces by the most insignificant forces. i guess it comes down to what is most important to everyone else. i pick my family. i pray they pick the same.

Psalm 73

"Yet I am always with you:

you hold me by my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel,

and afterward you will take me into glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you?

And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

-Psalm 73:23-26

I find it amazing how I can so often forget about how incredible my God is. He is EVERYTHING; my everything. Lately, I have been finding myself so lost and stressed that my body becomes ill. I worry so much that it literally weakens me. My medicine: the solutions of the world. No wonder it isnt working. I open my Bible to this scripture and feel like such an idiot. Seriously, how often does God have to remind me that He is right beside me..ALL THE TIME. He has never left me, nor will He ever. He is holding my hand through it all. As this scripture says, my flesh may fail (which it certainly has) and my heart is failing me as a guide. My only option left is Him, the one who was there all along just waiting for me to come back. I'm amazed at his forgiveness..how He welcomes me back with open arms. He is my father, my guide, my everything. How could I have forgotten?

Comfort: Our Biggest Mistake

Today was a sad reality check for me. I realized how many people around me have come to SETTLE. They have become extremely comfortable in remaining stationary..where nothing changes..nothing moves forward..that place where their sins have become their present and future rather than their past. I don't understand how the people I thought were strongest are so "ok" with continuing on the road they know is wrong. In my eyes, it's like walking towards disaster, or worse yet, no where. They are accomplishing things and have goals set, but their actions in the moment are causing the brilliant lights of their future to fade. How do so many not realize the consequences of the little actions we make each day? Life isn't a game. We can't start over or press rewind. Everything just keeps moving whether we like it or not. I feel like I'm the only one who is uncomfortable with the pace at which life is going. I am stressing over every decision I am making while others seem to go about without a care. How can it be so easy for them? What step in the process am I doing wrong?

I just don't understand life at the moment. I don't know its direction or the promises it holds. I know that it is very hard for me to live in the present right now because my future seems so blurred. I guess thats how it's supposed to be though.. no one ever knows what will happen. But, why am I the only one who seems afraid of that? I know how important it is to stand by what I believe is right...but I feel like so many people have forgotten. I hate seeing my friends become so comfortable with the things they are doing. I wish I could just slap them in the face and be like "you know this is wrong..why are you still doing it?" I am trying really hard to stay focused on the person I want to become and the morals I stand by..and yet everyone else seems to be enjoying life and all it has to offer.

I'm not even sure if any of this is making sense...it's really just all the crap in my head finally coming out. I really just needed to vent.

Dying Easter Eggs.

It's funny how much one little statement can change your entire mood. My CL just told me that we are going to dye Easter eggs next Wednesday and my stomach immediately dropped. Every memory of rushing home from some family party, scrambling to boil some eggs, spilling dye, creating the craziest Easter eggs I've ever seen, and then eating them before they even dried, came flooding back to me. I miss that. That is one of my favorite parts of Easter. When my family would dye eggs, it was never made to be a huge deal, yet we always made sure that we did it. Even if it was after midnight and we had church in the morning, my mom and dad always made sure that the job was done. At times it felt like a chore, other times it was an amazing bonding time with my family. I need that. This is my first year away from home, but I have already missed so much. Nothing is the same. Just to sit at home and spend time with them means so much to me. It is by far one of the things I love most. And, to be honest, I took it for granted almost 98% of the time. I never had any idea how good I have it at home. God has blessed me with a HUGE, loving family that I wouldn't trade for the world. Every moment spent with them is fun and exciting and chaotic and chill and....so far away. However, I have come to realize that I will always (even if they complain the entire time) make my kids partake in little family traditions like dying Easter eggs. They may not want to do it at the moment, but one day they will realize how special that moment really is. That's exactly what I am doing right now. My mom and dad deserve more than I could ever give them. They have been the most amazing parents anyone could ask for. I never understood why they made us do some lame traditions, but now I totally get it. I don't know if they realize how special they really are to me but I am going to make sure they do. I wish I could take back every time that I complained when my mom wanted to take a million pictures at Disney World or when I didn't say thank you when my dad made me breakfast or all those days I slacked off on my chores. There are so many things I wish I did differently, but I guess all I can do now is say THANK YOU! Through the good times and the bad, we remained a family. I know my life may be crazy at times, but I love it and I owe it to my parents for making it that way. I love them more than words can express. God did a good job putting those two together =)

Anyway..

Today was a weird day. I have been exhausted, my classes were boring, and the sun wasn't out when I finally had time to tan. However, I played my first flag football game today and we did awesome! I was not fantastic, but I tried my best. I def wiped out twice and have pretty sweet bruises to prove it...hah. Props to my roomie for making me join cause I LOVE IT! hah You're the best BRENNA!!

there will be more later..

Today is an incredible day to simply lay out in the sun. It’s what makes me happy. It actually feels just like a morning in Ocean City. There are even seagulls! Ughh..I miss Jersey summers so much. I seriously cannot wait for summer to come. So many people talk about how lame their summer is going to be, but not mine. It is going to be one of the best for sure. However, it will also be stressful if I still have not made up my mind about school.

Until yesterday, I thought I knew for sure that I was going to stay here at SEU. But, yesterday was the first day since I have been back from spring break that I felt homesick again. I know I am always going to miss home because I am so far away and I can’t just go back whenever I wish to. It also drives me crazy to watch things change and not be a part of it. People are growing up, making new friends, doing exciting things, and Im stuck down here watching through facebook. I understand that it is all part of becoming an adult and being mature and blah blah blah. But honestly, I never thought it would be this difficult. I always had an issue with the idea of growing up and getting old..i hate it. My heart still longs to be in that place of little responsibility, immaturity, no worries, and no big decisions. I miss youth group, going on random trips with everyone, and eating dinner with the family. These are some things I will probably never get back or at least they will never be the same.

Of course I look forward to the future in some ways. But, my biggest fear is that the fun will be lost. What would my life be without random dancing? hah who am I kidding, I will never stop dancing.

Jesus, You're Incredible

Acts 2:24

-But God raised him from the dead, freeing him from the agony of death, because it was impossible for death to keep its hold on him.

Death is impossible to avoid. Even the strongest human must eventually confront it. Many loath the day that their life will come to an end because everything they love and cherish vanishes with their last breath. Death, for many, is the end of the road. But not for Jesus. Indeed, he died and was even placed in a tomb. However, even that could not stop our Saviour. The most unavoidable force known to man was defeated. Jesus was filled with so much power that nothing could stop the plans God had for him. If he can be taken to the end of the road, the place of no return, and still be risen to the highest place within 3 days, then he can do ANYTHING. God took Jesus to the most impossible of situations and made it possible. How can anyone doubt the power of God?

Faith. God demands it over and over again throughout his word. He has performed every miracle, defeated every impossibility to show his people how easy it is to trust him. Yet, we still try to fight our battles on our own. God did not prepare us to fight alone. He wants to help. He has the power to accomplish anything. We need to completely surrender our struggles to him and trust that he will work things out in his will. Just believe that he has total control. We are his children and he will not abandon us.

I hope that in every struggle, I am able to remember that my Father was able to defeat death and certainly can take on any other situation I may encounter. My faith is in him, forever.

Honduras

God has definitly given me a heart for the youth on the trash dumps in Honduras since I spent time there for a missions trip. I have been thinking of different ideas to eventually do there one day. I have two ideas so far..

On site activities.

-One thought that came to mind was to set up some sort of program to take onto the dumps daily or every few days. The program would be created for the children and youth to distract them from the chaos of the dumps for a few hours. We would play games, give them food, maybe teach them a little...basically try to give them some joy and education while stuck on the dump. There is a lot more I would like to do with this but I have to look more into it first.

Nearby Orphanage/Hangout:

-This would either be a place to house the children and orphans of the dump until they are old enough to be on their own successfully or are adopted. It may also be a place that all the kids know they are welcome at to get some food or shelter for a few days..just take a break from their lives. There would be games to play, small "sunday school" type things, worship places, counselers, etc.

Hopefully either of these could work out one day. I just have to keep pursuing God and His plans.

here I go..

Tonight my brain feels so overwhelmed with different thoughts and ideas. It has become so difficult to keep track of everything, so I decided a blog might help.

The past few months, I have been stressing myself over one of the most important decisions of my life: my career. I know for a fact that God has called me to a lifetime involvement in the youth ministry. That has been and always will be one of the greatest passions in my life. There is something amazing about witnessing the spiritual growth and maturity that happens throughout a teenagers journeys. However, I am not the best public speaker and so I do not believe I am meant to be a youth pastor..more like the youth pastors wife or something. And so, it would be best for me to also have my own career to partner with youth ministry. Recently I have been considering going to school for counseling. I feel like that is something I would love to do and would work great with youth ministry. It would prepare me to work with the students on an individual level.

Along with that decision, I also have to decide if I want to stay at SEU or transfer to another school. I love southeastern and I love being in Florida. However, the school is way too expensive if I'm not planning on majoring in ministry. I could probably get a full ride (or close to one) at Rutgers, which would also be a better degree for psychology. Better yet, I would be back home, which is where I feel I belong. I think I need a pro/con list...

PROS

Rutgers: closer to home, better degree, much much cheaper, more money for masters, help out in youth group, gain more experience and opens more doors for youth, NYC, Philly, Ocean City

Southeastern: in Florida, great friends, college experience, Disney, beaches

CONS

Rutgers: live back home, not much of a college experience

Southeastern: so far from home, nothing to do in Lakeland, not the greatest degree for psychology, pretty expensive, not many youth experience opportunities

Well...that seemed to make the answer obvious. And yet I am still so undecided. I don't want to make a decision and regret it or feel like I'm missing out on something. When I think about my future, Rutgers makes so much more sense. When I think about college experience, SEU seems like the perfect choice. I don't know and this is stressing me out. I need God to speak.